Grief is a heavy, suffocating feeling that can weaken even the strongest people. I had to deal with the painful loss of a close friend whose life was cut short. In the middle of my sadness, I realized that my lack of sensitivity made it harder to deal with my loss.
In an age where social media and the internet make it easy to stay up to date on news and tragedies, it's easy to become numb to the pain of others. Every day, the world shows us images and stories of pain, leaving us emotionally drained and numb. I, too, had been affected by this desensitization. I had stopped feeling other people's pain because I thought it would help me deal with it and protect me from the crushing sadness beyond the screen.
But when my friend passed too soon, it shattered my world and made me realize that this mental distance was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it kept me safe from the steady stream of sad news. On the other hand, I wasn't ready for how intense my own sadness would be when it finally hit close to home.
The news that my friend passed on was shocking at first. It felt strange like I was watching the disaster from afar instead of going through it myself. It felt like I had built up an emotional wall over the years, and now that wall was collapsing, letting the raw, unfiltered pain I had been able to hide for so long out into the open.
When a person has become numb to pain, it's hard to deal with grief because a flood of feelings comes out of nowhere, like a tsunami breaking through a weak dam. I wasn't ready for how hard the sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion hit me. It was too much for me to handle, and I wondered if I had the right to be so sad when I had been so numb to other people's pain in the past.
Grieving turned out to be a strange trip. I wanted to feel all of my feelings, but I was afraid of how bad the pain would be. I felt like I had forgotten how to grieve and let myself be weak and sad. I had to learn to talk about sadness all over again, which was hard.
As a person who had become numb to pain, feeling alone was one of the most complex parts of grief. I felt like an outsider in my own sadness because I couldn't fully relate to others who were also sad about a loss. My friends and family were there for me and tried to help, but it was hard for me to explain how bad my pain was. It felt like my feelings were behind a glass wall, where I could see them but not reach them.
As time passed, I realized that everyone has to go through loss, no matter how hardened I had become to it. It reminded me that I wasn't invincible and could still feel deeply, even though the world often seemed cold and uncaring.
Ultimately, it is a complex and deeply personal fight to deal with grief as a person who has lost the ability to feel it. It means facing the emotional walls we've built, relearning the language of sorrow, and finding a way to connect with others in our sadness. Even though it may be challenging, it gives you a chance to grow, learn understanding, and see the fragile beauty of life in a new way. Even though it hurts, my friend's untimely death has been a potent reminder that even numb hearts can still feel the depths of grief and find the strength to heal.
Mr. Rockboys, I will always love you.